


My Heart

by OfEndlessWonder



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: F/F, Some angst, and so is maggie tbh, but a happy ending, in which alex is again a gay disaster, they're disasters together
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-18
Updated: 2016-11-18
Packaged: 2018-08-31 18:00:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,502
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8588278
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OfEndlessWonder/pseuds/OfEndlessWonder
Summary: "But Maggie had told her that they should be friends, and there’s a reason for that, too – Alex needs to find her feet, wade out into the water, and maybe in a few months’ time when everything isn’t so shiny (she’s really come to hate that word) and new, they can revisit what could have been if Maggie hadn’t shut her down that day. That move is up to Maggie, though, because Alex can’t stand to have her heart destroyed all over again." Post 2x06.





	

_My heart only knows this one song, those words they echo on_   
_It's the voice that follows me, it's that never ending beat_   
_Cause there's only one thing that my heart, is set on._

* * *

 

Alex walks into the bar with her head held high and a spring in her step, sees Maggie bent over a pool table with a cue in her hand and thinks _this is it_.

She hadn’t known if Maggie would be here for sure, hadn’t texted her to ask because she’d been too scared that she’d lose her nerve and not set foot outside of her apartment.

She’s come to terms (just about – she can say it out loud but only in-front of the mirror, not to anyone else) with her sexuality, she’s come _out_ to her sister, but this might just be the single most daunting conversation she’s ever had.

Because she’s never felt like this before, the butterflies and the nerves and the tense anticipation, not once around another living soul, and the thought of _telling_ Maggie that, of telling her that she has feelings for her?

It’s _terrifying_.

But she’s a goddamn DEO agent, has risked her life more times than she can count – had flown into _space_ to save her sister – and she can do this.

Maggie’s just a woman (an insanely hot woman with shining eyes and dimples that make it hard to think, but a woman all the same), and Alex has got this.

Maybe.

Maggie’s face lights up with a smile when she sees her, and Alex’s heart skips a beat and for a moment she forgets how to breathe. She tells Maggie about Kara, and then Maggie’s hugging her and Alex thinks she might faint because _oh_ she’s never felt anything more perfect in her life.

Maggie is warm and soft and perfect in her arms, holds Alex close and all she can hear is her heart pounding in her ears and she feels like she’s drowning – drowning in the scent of her perfume, in the heat of her body, in everything _Maggie_ and then when she pulls away, makes to head towards the bar, Alex acts without even _thinking_.

She curls a hand around Maggie’s forearm and she drags her back, slides both hands up to cup Maggie’s cheeks and she kisses her before she can talk herself out of it, and god, if she’d thought that hugging Maggie was the greatest thing she’s ever felt… oh, she was so, so wrong.

Because kissing Maggie is… it’s everything. It’s electric, sending a jolt throughout her entire body and setting her aflame, lips tingling and Maggie’s little gasp of surprise against Alex’s mouth is the most wonderful sound she’s ever heard.

Maggie kisses her back, and Alex wants to _melt_. Maggie’s lips are gentle and her hair is soft beneath Alex’s fingertips but not as soft as her cheek, and Alex’s thumb trembles as she strokes the skin, and she can scarcely dare believe that any of this is real.

It’s pure bliss, and for the first time, Alex feels her pulse race, sees the fireworks, realises that this is what she’s been _missing_. She’s been looking in all the wrong places for so long, and now that she’s finally found it, she never wants to let it go – never felt so _alive_.

And then all too soon, Maggie is pulling away, leaning back when Alex chases her lips, and Alex feels the joy swirling through her gut replaced by cold dread as she catches sight of the look in Maggie’s eyes.

She knows even before Maggie opens her mouth that whatever comes next is going to hurt a thousand times more than watching Maggie kiss another woman in-front of her had even come close to.

Maggie’s eyes are sympathetic and her smile soft but it does nothing to ease the pain that lances through Alex’s chest.

She has to try, though, tells Maggie just how much she’s been wanting to do that, for almost as long as she can remember, but the look in Maggie’s eyes doesn’t fade. 

She hears ‘we’re at really different places’ and she wants to _die_.

The thing is, everything Maggie’s saying? It makes _sense_ , all of it. She’s new to this – _at_ this – and those early worries and insecurities, the ones from those first few days after her conversation with Maggie in this very bar as she’d desperately avoided the other woman at all costs, they come rushing back, full force.

Alex Danvers has never been terrible at anything in her life, aside from dating, aside from relationships, aside from finding love. She’d thought that tonight she might finally be moving towards having all three, but that comes crashing down around her, turns to dust at her feet as Maggie stares up at her with that damn gentle smile and Alex thinks she might break.

Maggie has always been so gentle with her, so _careful_ , ever since this began, and that doesn’t change even now, even as she tells Alex why this, why _they_ are not a good idea. Maggie says ‘shiny’ like she thinks that in six months’ time, she still won’t be the most beautiful thing that Alex has ever seen – that she’ll always been shiny to her because she’s perfect, that she _knows_ that because Alex has never felt like this before, not with anyone.

Looking back she’s thought women were attractive and she’s had crushes that she buried, but Maggie? The things that had started fluttering in her chest the day that they had met, the ones that had only increased over time the longer they’d spent together – that was _real_ , that was potent, that was stronger than anything she’s ever experienced before.

This might all be new to her, but it doesn’t dampen what she _feels,_ what she knows in her heart, and that is that Maggie is the only one she wants.

But she can’t tell Maggie that, can’t split herself open at the seams, not when Maggie’s telling her that she’ll be there for her as a _friend_ (and god, that sends a knife straight through her heart and she doesn’t know how it keeps beating), because Alex has told enough guys that exact same thing to be able to read between the lines.

Maggie doesn’t want her.

Not like that.

She’s too new and inexperienced and everything that Maggie is not, and how had she ever thought for one second that she could be good enough?

Sometimes she feels like she’s never been good enough at anything – not a good enough sister, not a good enough daughter – wonders if she ever will be.

Maggie asks her if she’s cool and Alex can barely speak, doesn’t know how she’s still standing. She doesn’t think she’s ever felt a pain quite like this before, and she knows she needs to get out of there before the tears that sting at the back of her eyes manage to spring free.

She doesn’t remember the last time she cried in public, and she doesn’t want to start now.

Not here, not in-front of Maggie.

She doesn’t want Maggie to see her fall apart – she has to get out of this with at least some of her dignity still intact, even though she doesn’t think she’s ever been so humiliated in her life.

She’s never putting herself out there again, knows she wouldn’t _survive_ something like this again, the pain searing hot and sinking deep, and she turns away even as she hears Maggie call her name.

It’s the first time she’s ever called her that – Alex, and not Danvers – but it isn’t enough to make her stay.

Just enough for it to break her already too-fragile heart.

 

x-x-x

God, she’s such a fucking idiot.

Eyes stinging, she takes another swig from the glass in her hand – whiskey, the strongest she could buy at the liquor store on the way home. The cashier had eyed her warily, taken in the tear-tracks down her cheeks and her red, red eyes, then shrugged and taken her money anyway.

The whiskey burns at the back of her throat, but it isn’t enough to forget.

She blinks, and when her eyes close, she sees Maggie’s face.

She remembers every single moment of her idiocy with complete and perfect clarity, despite the fact that almost a quarter of the bottle is gone.

She can still remember the smell of Maggie’s perfume, the heat of her in Alex’s arm, and that goddamn gasp of surprise she’d made as Alex had pressed their lips together is on repeat inside her head.

She doesn’t know what she’d been _thinking_. She’s never like this – never reckless, never thoughtless, never makes a move without agonizing over a plan beforehand. She’s certainly never kissed anyone just because she’d _wanted_ to, never initiated anything like that before – but she’d been so high on telling Kara, opening herself up, _embracing_ a part of herself that she’d kept so carefully hidden for so long. So she’d taken what she so desperately wanted, and she wishes more than anything that she could take it back.

She takes another drink, wonders how much more it will take before she can pass out on this couch and stop thinking, and she flinches when there’s a knock on the door.

She knows who it is without looking, and she doesn’t get to her feet even as Kara calls out to her. She just… she doesn’t know how to face her sister, not when there’s a bitter bite of resentment in her heart, a voice wondering if she would have been stupid enough to go for it with Maggie if not for Kara’s blindly optimistic encouragement.

She knows that that’s not fair, that this is her own fault and no-one else’s, but she’s desperate to find someone to blame, desperate to find a _reason_ that’s not just she was made stupid by _girl._

Kara doesn’t let it go, because of course she doesn’t, flies through Alex’s window because they both know that if Alex really didn’t want Kara here, she wouldn’t have left one of them open.

She’s never once felt like this, but she knows that it’s heartbreak. She feels sick and hollow, her chest an empty shell with a heart that stutters an uneven rhythm and her breaths shaky from the amount of tears that she’s shed since she got home.

She doesn’t think she’s ever cried as much as she has since she met Maggie Sawyer, but Alex can’t bring herself to resent the detective for it.

Doesn’t think she ever will, because without Maggie she doesn’t know if she would have ever realised these things about herself, and even though there’s a part of her – the part that hurts with every breath that she takes – that almost wishes she was still in the dark, Alex doesn’t think she wants to go back to the way things were before.

It’s not like her life felt particularly empty, or like she was missing something. She had her sister and she had the DEO and that was all she needed, all she wanted. But now that she knows what it’s like, to feel a spark for the first time… she doesn’t think she wants to forget that.

Just everything else.

Kara flies in and Alex is drunk and she’s bitter, just as bitter as the alcohol that still burns at the back of her throat, doesn’t want Kara to push her, doesn’t want to relive tonight, lashes out because maybe then Kara will let it go.

But she doesn’t, and she presses, and when Alex says ‘she doesn’t want me like _that_ ’ she thinks she might crumble into pieces, falls onto her couch and sobs when Kara’s arms wrap around in a hug like she’s trying to help Alex hold herself together.

She’s crying again but it doesn’t feel like a weakness, not in-front of her sister. Kara has seen every side of her, all of her ugliness and her darkest parts, knows everything about her and Alex knows that she will never lose her.

There had been a spark of panic, earlier, when Kara had been standoffish after Alex had finally told her about Maggie. She’d believed the worst, only to have Kara turn to face her with wide eyes full with guilt, and she’d been filled with so much relief because she knew then that they were okay.

Kara tells her that she’s proud of her and Alex can only shake her head, can’t say a word through the force of the sobs that leave her wrecked, because Kara shouldn’t be, she hasn’t done anything to make her proud other than make a fool out of herself, but Kara nods and holds her tighter and Alex lets herself fall apart.

“I was just so _stupid_ , Kara,” she sniffles, once the worst of her crying has abated, wiping furiously at her eyes with the sleeves of her sweater. “How did I ever let myself believe that she’d want someone like me?”

“Hey, stop that.” There’s a fierce look in Kara’s blue eyes, and Alex wonders if it’s possible that she could look even more pathetic than she feels, because she doesn’t think Kara has ever looked at her like this before. “Don’t put yourself down, Alex, not over her.”

“How can I not?” She sounds miserable, she knows she does, but she doesn’t know how to _stop_. “She’s - ”

“An idiot for breaking your heart,” Kara finishes, a dark look in her eyes, and Alex swallows thickly. “And the next time I see her at a crime scene, I’ll - ”

“You’ll do nothing,” Alex warns, and Kara pouts. “She hasn’t done anything wrong, Kara. She didn’t… she wasn’t _mean_ about it. And I kissed _her_ , without asking, so it’s not - ”

“Wait, wait, _wait_.” Kara’s eyes are wide, and there’s a flicker of excitement on her face. “You didn’t tell me you kissed her! How was it?”

“You came here to find me drinking myself into a stupor and crying my eyes out, Kara, how do you think it was?” Kara just raises an eyebrow, and Alex sighs. “It was… amazing.” She closes her eyes, remembers the feeling of Maggie’s mouth against her own, all-too-brief and never enough. “I… I never knew it could feel like that, you know?” There’s a note of wonder in her voice, and Kara squeezes her shoulder gently, a small smile on her lips. “But then things went downhill after that.”

She sighs, and Kara squeezes her again.

“What did she say?” She asks it quietly, and Alex knows that she doesn’t have to answer if she doesn’t want to, that Kara would never push her about something like this.

“Nothing that wasn’t true,” Alex murmurs, keeping her eyes on her hands, knotted in her lap. “That everything’s so new to me and jumping into a relationship with the first gay girl I meet probably isn’t going to end well and she’s _right_ , you know? That’s what hurts the most, but I… I really like her.” Her voice cracks, and she just about manages to blink away more tears before they fall. “God, I don’t know how I’m going to face her the next time I run into her. She probably thinks I’m an idiot.” She groans, lets her head falls into her hands, and Kara rubs gentle circles across the small of her back.

When she hears her phone ring, she makes no move to answer it – it’s gone off a few times since she got home, but she’d left it in the pocket of her leather jacket and pointedly looked away every time it buzzed, because she’d wanted to be alone.

She’d assumed that it was Kara or J’onn checking up on her after she’d skipped out on work, but as Kara fishes it out of her jacket, draped over the back of her couch, Alex knows exactly who’s been calling just from the look that flashes over her face.

Kara glances between Alex and the screen, biting at her bottom lip and looking uncertain, and Alex sighs, takes the decision away from her by holding out a hand.

Kara sets the phone in her palm and it feels heavier, somehow, than normal.

She takes a deep breath before she glances at the screen, feels her heart break all over again when she sees the string of messages on the screen.

_Are you okay?_

_I’m sorry._

_I’m worried about you._

_Look, Danvers, I know I’m probably the last person you want to talk to right now, but just please let me know you got home safe?_

She stares at the words and her throat feels tight and her heart feels like it’s being squeezed and the messages blur as her eyes fill with more tears and she doesn’t know _why_ because it’s not like she thought that Maggie didn’t care about her – she _knows_ she does, she’d proved that tonight, over and over again.

But this is different, Maggie is thinking about her, worried about her, and Alex wonders if she’s out there somewhere, feeling guilty for turning her down.

She wonders if Maggie wishes that things had gone differently, too.

“You’re not going to reply?” Kara asks, disapproval in her tone as Alex sets the phone down on her coffee table. “She sounds worried. She’s called you four times.”

“I will,” Alex murmurs, voice quiet, “just… not yet.” Kara still looks disapproving, but she lets it go, sighs and settles back down beside her on the couch.

Alex doesn’t expect her radio silence to result in a knock on her door.

Kara stays with her, refuses to leave her alone, orders them Chinese food and distracts her with awful reality TV and stories about anything and everything she can think of, and Alex has never been more grateful to have Kara in her life.

And then there’s the damn knock, and Kara bounds over to answer the door, expecting it to be their food and so not thinking to check who’s on the other side.

She opens it and Alex hears a noise of surprise from her sister and glances up sharply, catches a glimpse of dark hair and a leather jacket and feels her heart plummet from her chest to her stomach.

Kara shifts, draws herself up to full height and folds her arm across her chest, makes herself look as intimidating as possible as she shifts to block the doorway, drawing the door closed behind her to shield Alex from view.

She’s not quite quick enough, though – Maggie’s eyes meet hers for one brief second, and Alex feels like she’s frozen beneath the weight of that gaze.

She looks like she’s been crying, though she’s trying to hide it well – much better than Alex has managed, and she hates the fact that Maggie is seeing her so vulnerable, so exposed, but knows there’s little she can do about it now.

“Kara, I’m guessing?” Alex hears Maggie ask, her voice soft and questioning. Alex watches her sister’s spine straighten even further as she nods, and Kara’s voice is cold as ice when she speaks.

“What are you doing here?” Alex almost wants to tell her to quit it, that Maggie doesn’t deserve this, hasn’t done anything _wrong_ but she can’t bring herself to say a word, not with Maggie so close, not when everything still feels so _raw_.

“I… she didn’t answer any of messages and I was worried and I… I just wanted to check that she was okay.”

“She’s not,” Kara replies, and it’s a whisper but Alex hears it anyway, wonders if Maggie’s sharp intake of breath means that she’s just flinched in the same way Alex has. “But she will be.” Kara says that louder, with a conviction that not even Alex herself can feel. “She’s strong.”

“I know she is.” Maggie’s voice is achingly soft, and Alex wishes more than anything that she could see the look in her eyes. “I… I should go.”

“Probably,” Kara agrees, though it’s not unkind. “Thank you. For checking up on her. Most people wouldn’t.”

“I’m not like most people,” Maggie says, and Alex has to agree. “Look out for her?” Maggie asks then. “I know she’s probably not gonna want to talk to me for a while but she… she should have someone. She shouldn’t go through this alone.”

“She won’t be,” Kara promises, and Alex wonders if Maggie had someone to lean on, in the beginning, if she’s so insistent that Alex have someone because she didn’t have that luxury.

She wonders if Maggie has someone _now_.

Alex thinks of her playing pool alone in the bar on two separate occasions, remembers the way her eyes had lit up when Alex had happened upon her, and Alex thinks that she isn’t the one who’s going to be going through this alone.

x-x-x

She avoids Maggie for a while after that, because it’s something she’s good at.

She’s already done it, laying low after their conversation in the bar, under the dim lights where Alex had stumbled her way around the words that she’s finally able to say out loud.

She’d avoided Maggie then because she needed to figure herself out, decide what it _meant_ , the fact that her heart skipped a beat whenever she laid eyes on her.

Alex avoids her now because she’s too mortified to face her, even though she misses her like crazy. She’s not used to having friends outside of Kara, a life outside of the DEO, and to have had that within her grasp only to lose it… it makes everything about a hundred times worse.

Maggie doesn’t call or text again, and Alex doesn’t cave and message her, even when it’s the middle of the night and she’s at the bottom of a bottle.

She knows she’s being kind of an ass, that she isn’t being fair. Maggie hadn’t asked for any of this – she’d just been minding her own damn business, and Alex had come stumbling into her life and started to question everything, had projected all of that onto Maggie and then run away with her tail between her legs.

Alex is pretty sure that she’s the first real friend that Maggie’s made here, and now she’s ignoring her because the thought of seeing her again paralyses with fear.

Kara tries to keep her mind from wandering to the detective that’s managed to steal her heart. She tries, but it doesn’t work, because Alex thinks she might be falling in love and _god_ , it hurts so much. She even signs her up for a dating app (without her permission) and tries to set Alex up with not one, not two, but _three_ of the people that she works with.

Alex says no to all of them, because she doesn’t think it’s fair to try dating when she’s so hung up on someone else and besides, the whole idea of it is _terrifying_. She’s twenty-six years old but she feels like a kid all over again because she’s never done this. She’s never dated, not really, and she sure as hell hasn’t dated a woman before, and she’s convinced she’ll be terrible at it and so she doesn’t even try.

Kara disapproves, but it’s not like she can _force_ her, and considering the state of her own love life, it’s pretty easy for Alex to tell her sister to mind her own damn business.

It’s three weeks before she feels brave enough to take a DEO case that involves a dead body and a crime scene.

Her hands shake as she climbs off her bike and she tells herself that she’s being _stupid_ , that it’ll be okay if Maggie is here, that she can face her and it’ll be _fine_ and it doesn’t even matter anyway.

She gets to the scene and she sees the body and she feels a flutter of disappointment when Detective Maggie Sawyer is nowhere in sight.

x-x-x

That night, she finds herself at the bar.

She can’t say why, not exactly. She just knows that the disappointment that she’d felt when she’d realised that one of Maggie’s colleagues was there in her place had to _mean_ something.

Maybe it meant that she was starting to heal, beginning to get over it.

She sees Maggie at her usual pool table, feels like she’s been sucker punched and knows that she’s not anywhere close.

But… it’s been torture, not having Maggie around lately. And yeah, it hurts to look at her (and Alex can’t imagine how actually _talking_ to her is going to feel), but… she _misses_ her. She misses her friend, and if that’s all that Maggie wants to be to her… Alex thinks she can deal with that.

It won’t be easy, but she thinks it might be worth it, if it keeps Maggie in her life.

Alex stands to one side and watches her, just for a few minutes. Her lips are twisted down, a crease between her eyebrows, and there’s a sadness in her eyes that makes Alex’s heart ache. She watches as she lines up a shot and pots a ball effortlessly, smiles when she sees how far she’s come since the first time they ever played.

“You’ve been practicing,” she says after she’s built up the courage to walk over, and Maggie whirls around so fast that it’s a miracle she doesn’t fall over.

Alex has her hands shoved into the back pockets of her jeans, her head bowed as she looks up at Maggie through her lashes, an apology written in her eyes.

“Danvers.” Her name is a soft exhale, and Alex ignores the way it makes her heart beat a little faster. “What… what are you doing here?”

“I…” Alex trails off, wonders what she should say – how _much_ should say. “I missed you,” she settles on, and tries not to think about the way Maggie’s eyes soften and the way she draws in a stuttered breath. “And I wanted to apologise.” Maggie’s expression turns into a frown. “I’ve been avoiding you.”

“I guessed,” is the quiet reply. “I got my badge for a reason, you know – I’m good at detecting things. Things like when someone doesn’t want to talk to me.”

“I’m sorry,” Alex offers, and the words are heavy and there’s so much _feeling_ in them that for a moment she can’t breathe. “I… I’ve been thinking about it, a lot.” Because she can’t think about anything else. “And I… I’ve been an ass. You’ve been so nice to me and so helpful even though you never asked for this and then I kiss you and I dump all my feelings on you and then you’re even nice about _that_ and then I run away and don’t speak to you again.” She takes a breath, bites at her bottom lip and makes a valiant effort to not think about how beautiful Maggie looks in the dim lighting. “So I’m sorry.”

“You have nothing to apologise for, Alex.” Hearing her name from those lips makes her dizzy, and she leans her weight back against the pool table and reminds herself to breathe. “You didn’t do anything wrong.”

“But neither did you, and I’ve been punishing you for it.”

“You needed space,” Maggie shrugs, though there’s a tightness to her voice and Alex knows she’s hurt her. “I get that. I’ve been there. It’s all good.”

“Is it?” Alex can’t help but push, and Maggie looks up at her, looks up with dark eyes that make her want nothing more than to drown.

“I don’t say things I don’t mean, Danvers,” Maggie tells her, and Alex remembers ‘I’m here for you but just as a friend’ and wills herself not to break down, not when she’s doing so well, not when she feels like she can breathe a little easier, for the first time in forever. “I’m just glad you’re doing okay.”

“I am,” Alex says, and she mostly means it – things have been rough but it’s been almost a week since she last had to have a drink or three before she slept just so that she could make it through the night, and she’s getting _better_. “Do you, um… do you want to have a game?” She nods towards the table, holding her breath as Maggie studies her face closely.

“Sure,” she says, eventually, and Alex’s face breaks into a genuine smile that makes Maggie smile back, dimples on full display. “Besides, I still owe you that drink.”

x-x-x

After that, they get to back to being tentative friends.

It’s a little awkward, in the beginning – Alex still has flashbacks to that awful, awful night and sometimes Maggie tiptoes around things, because they both know that Alex still has feelings for her but neither of them are willing to _acknowledge_ that – but for the most part, things go pretty smoothly, all things considered.

Sometimes they cross paths at work, and the cases Alex gets to work with Maggie are always her favourites.

Kara – as Supergirl – gives Maggie the extreme cold shoulder until Alex drags her aside and tells her to quit it or she’s going to give herself away.

Kara pouts, but she acquiesces, though sometimes she still hovers whenever Maggie and Alex are otherwise alone, eyebrows knitted into a frown, and Alex knows Maggie has noticed.

Sometimes she even acts like she’s _jealous_ of Alex’s relationship with Kara (it’s there in the way her eyes linger on them whenever Alex squeezes Kara’s shoulder or whenever Kara acts a little too familiar with her, and when Alex had hugged her tightly once after a close call, Maggie had stared and stared with an almost sour look on her face that Alex hadn’t known what to do with), but it’s something that Alex tries not to think about too much.

Because that means that there’s a reason for that jealousy, and whilst she knows that her sister is attractive (all the boys (and some of the girls) fall at her feet, and that one time Kara had dragged her to a gay bar Kara had been hit on twice as often as Alex and she’d tried and failed not to be too disheartened by the whole experience), Alex is pretty sure that Maggie’s jealousy doesn’t stem from the fact that she wants to date _Kara_.

But Maggie had told her that they should be friends, and there’s a reason for that, too – Alex needs to find her feet, wade out into the water, and maybe in a few months’ time when everything isn’t so _shiny_ (she’s really come to hate that word) and new, they can revisit what could have been if Maggie hadn’t shut her down that day.

That move is up to Maggie, though, because Alex can’t stand to have her heart destroyed all over again.

For now, friends is enough, even though it’s torture. It’s torture being around Maggie, so close and yet feeling so far – they don’t touch, not really, Maggie careful to keep her distance and Alex willing to let her because she thinks if she feels Maggie’s hands on her skin she might fall apart. It hurts when she catches the way other women look at her whenever they’re together, and Maggie, bless her, doesn’t flirt back with them even when there’s a spark of interest in her eyes that tells Alex that she really, really wants to.

Alex had told her to, once. They’d been at the bar and someone had sent Maggie a drink, a gorgeous blonde that made Alex feel immediately inadequate, and she’d seen the way Maggie had eyed the woman from across the room.

“Go for it,” Alex had said, keeping her voice light, and Maggie’s head had snapped up, stared at her for one long moment with slightly narrowed eyes. “Seriously, it’s fine.” It wasn’t, not really, but it had to be if they were going to keep doing this – Maggie was going to date, and maybe one day Alex would too, and they could talk about it because that was what friends _did_.

“I’m good,” Maggie had told her, after some deliberation, and shaken her head when Alex’s mouth opened. “Really. She looks too much like an ex.”

Alex hadn’t pushed, was only too eager to let it go, though there had been a part of her wondering if that was Maggie’s true reason for choosing to stay by her side.

They don’t hang out outside of work and the bar, until Alex invites Maggie to games night at her sister’s place.

Alex is just… it’s going to be her and Kara, Mon-El and Winn and James, and Alex doesn’t know if she’s prepared to deal with all three of them giving Kara heart eyes all night long. So she asks, and Maggie looks surprised but she says yes with a smile, and Alex _beams_ in response.

She and Maggie arrive together, because Maggie doesn’t know where Kara’s place is and it’s easy to pick her up along the way. Kara flings open the door with a bright smile that dims, just a little, when she catches sight of Maggie by her side, but nevertheless she steps aside and gestures them both over the threshold.

“You didn’t tell her you were bringing me, did you?” Maggie asks, her voice low and quiet in Alex’s ear, and she has the grace look sheepish as she turns to Maggie with apologetic eyes.

“Sorry. I just… she’d try to talk me out of it if she knew.” Kara, who has already bounced across her loft to where James and Winn are perched on her couch, glances up and shoots her a look that tells Alex that she agrees very much with that statement. “But it’s fine. She’ll get over it.”

“Yeah, by slipping poison into my drink.” Alex snorts, and Kara smirks before shooting Maggie a smile that manages to look sweet and threatening at the same time. “Huh. It’s almost like she heard me.”

“Don’t be ridiculous,” Alex scoffs, and gives Kara a warning glance as she steers Maggie towards the kitchen to grab her a beer. “See?” She says to the detective as she twists off the cap. “Not poisoned. Promise.”

Maggie gives her a rueful smile as she reaches for the bottle, careful to ensure that their fingers don’t brush as she takes it from Alex’s hand.

“I’ll go through the introductions,” Alex murmurs, turning back towards the others and a little relieved that Mon-El ( _Mike_ , she reminds herself, sternly) is no longer coming – he’s still a little useless at keeping his powers in-check, and Alex isn’t ready to deal with any questions about why there’s a superpowered alien in her sister’s living room.

Not that Alex thinks Maggie will have any problem with Kara’s secret – she’s certain she won’t – but it isn’t Alex’s secret to tell, and judging from the furtive glances Kara sends Maggie and Alex’s way every few moments, Kara isn’t anywhere close to being ready to trust her enough for that.

It’s _nice_ , having Maggie there, though. She relaxes as the night wears on (and as Kara begins to warm up to her), and she and Alex make a pretty formidable team against Kara and the boys when it comes to _Taboo_.

Later, once they’re all getting ready to leave, Kara corners Maggie in her kitchen, and Alex tries to pretend that she’s not listening to the conversation that follows.

“I’m sorry,” Maggie says quietly, and Alex tenses on the couch and strains her ears and glares at Winn when he tries to ask her something, terrified of Maggie’s voice being drowned out even though she knows she has no right to overhear this. “I didn’t mean to just… turn up unannounced. I wouldn’t have come, if I knew she hadn’t cleared it with you.”

“It’s okay.” Kara’s voice is light, a complete contrast to the chilly looks she’d been shooting Maggie for the first half of the night. “I’m glad she brought you. We need more girls around here.” Maggie gives a quiet laugh, but Alex knows there’s a little uneasiness beneath it as she wonders what’s coming next. “And Alex needs more _friends_.”

There’s an emphasis on the word that’s so obvious that it makes Alex roll her eyes.

“Which is what I am,” Maggie replies, sounding weary, and Alex wonders if she’s got her hands up in a gesture of peace, too. “I don’t want to hurt her again, trust me. I regretted it enough the first time.”

“I… okay.” Kara sounds a little surprised, and Alex assumes that this is _not_ how she expected this little talk to go down. “Um, I just wanted to…”

“To give me the shovel talk?” Maggie asks, sounding amused. “I know. And don’t worry, you’ve been giving off the I-could-kill-you-if-I-wanted vibes all night, I get it.”

“I can see why she likes you.” Kara’s voice is soft, and Alex swears she hears Maggie draw in a sharp breath. “She still does, you know.” Alex’s eyes narrow, and she’s halfway out of her chair when Kara adds, “And I think there’s a part of you that might like her, too.”

Maggie goes quiet, and Alex thumps back down into her seat and listens so hard, struggling to hear anything over the rapid beating of her heart, that she thinks she might give herself an aneurysm.

“I… it wouldn’t matter if I did,” Maggie eventually replies, sounding like she’s choosing her words very, very carefully. “She deserves better than me. She deserves… everything.” Maggie’s voice cracks, just a little, and Alex’s breaths come quick and fast. “And I can’t be that for her.”

“How do you know?”

“Because I do, okay?” Maggie’s voice is sharp, and Alex remembers the bar, Maggie telling her about her ex, the things that she’d said – insensitive, obsessed with work, borderline sociopathic – and wonders if that had left scars that lingered.

Alex knows that none of that is true, though. Maggie _is_ sensitive, has proven that over and over again in how she’s handled this thing with Alex. She’s no more obsessed with work than Alex is, and it’s _refreshing_ to find someone who _gets_ it. And Alex is pretty sure that a borderline sociopath wouldn’t have treated her with as much compassion as Maggie has always, always shown her, since the day they’d met.

“And besides, Alex deserves to see what’s out there. Explore.” It’s an echo of the speech she’d given Alex, and it doesn’t hurt any less hearing it the second time around. “She wouldn’t want to settle down with the first girl she meets.”

Alex feels ill, because is that what Maggie thinks? That Alex will grow bored after a few months (after she becomes less _shiny_?), start to wonder what else is out there, and leave her for another woman just so she can get a little more experience?

Alex remembers Maggie’s disappointment after the girlfriend had left her, the ‘I thought…’ and wonders if she’d been about to finish it with ‘I’d found someone I wanted to build a life with’.

Alex thinks of a life with Maggie by her side, and the sheer desire that floods through her knocks the breath from her lungs, because she doesn’t thinks she’s ever wanted a single thing so much before in her _life_.

“You clearly don’t know my sister as well as you think you do,” Alex hears Kara say, as if she’s speaking from a great distance away, forces herself to bring the world back into focus, to not daydream about what it would be like to go home to Maggie Sawyer at the end of every day, to slide a ring on her finger and ask for eternity. “She doesn’t want to explore when all she can think about is you.”

“I… I have to go,” Maggie says then, and before Alex can even react she hears the sound of boots clicking across Kara’s floor.

“Maggie, wait - ” Kara calls, and Alex scrambles up from the couch just in time to see Maggie dodge Kara’s outstretched hand.

“I gotta run, Danvers,” Maggie says to Alex, and Alex _swears_ the detective is frantically blinking away tears. “I’ll see you around?”

“Wait - ” Alex starts, but Maggie is out of the door before Alex can blink, and then she doesn’t know what she’s supposed to do – does she run after her, give away that she’s overheard every word, or does she stay here to yell at her sister?

Kara turns to her with wide eyes, and Alex crosses over to the open door, sees that Maggie has already disappeared from view, and that makes up her mind for her.

Kara shrinks back against the kitchen counter as Alex slams the door and advances on her, and Winn and James are quick to sense the tension that’s thickening in the air, quickly make their excuses and shuffle out the front door, leaving the sisters alone.

“What the _hell_ , Kara?!” She sounds more upset than she thought she was, balls her hands into fists at her side, and Kara bites at her bottom lip and glances towards her window like she wants to disappear through it. “Don’t you dare,” Alex warns, and Kara flushes pink.

“I’m sorry, I… I just…”

“Just what? Wanted to ruin any and all progress we’ve managed to make over the past three months?” She’s been doing – well, not _well_ , but _okay_ – at shoving her feelings for Maggie somewhere down deep where she doesn’t let them see the light of day, where she doesn’t let herself think about them until she’s alone.

And now all she can think about is Maggie’s ‘it doesn’t matter if I did’ like she might think of Alex that way, like she might want more but she doesn’t want to ask for it.

Maggie’s ‘she deserves better’ like Alex could ever do any better than her – smart and tough and beautiful and god, so much more – and her heart feels like it’s shattering inside of her chest.

Thinks about how Maggie just wants to settle down, and about how Alex wants nothing more than to do just that.

“I just wanted to make sure you weren’t going to get hurt again.” Kara sets her jaw, that fierceness back in her eyes, a little of her Supergirl steel making her straighten her spine. “I’ve never seen you like this before, so… so _miserable_. And she _likes_ you, Alex! I _know_ she does, she’s just - ”

“It doesn’t matter, Kara!” The words are raw and leave her aching, and she blinks to stop the tears that spring up in her eyes from falling. “She told me she doesn’t want more than friendship from me, and that’s what we’re _trying_.”

“Except it’s not working,” Kara counters, shaking her head. “It never has – you’re falling in love with her, Alex. More and more every day, and you’re going to get your heart broken even more than it already has.”

Alex stares at her sister for one long moment, but she knows there’s nothing she can say, nothing she can do to deny it, because it’s true and they both know it.

“I just… I thought if I talked to her, if she knew you were still interested then maybe… maybe she’d change her mind.” Kara’s voice is small, and Alex knows that she was doing this _for_ her, that her intentions were good but all Alex can hear is Maggie’s voice breaking.

“And now she’s probably never going to talk to me again,” Alex sighs. “I… I’m going to go.” Kara tries to stop her, but Alex shrugs her off. “Don’t. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

Kara doesn’t follow her, and Alex is glad. She yanks her phone out of her pocket and pulls up Maggie’s name, presses her thumb against the green call button and gasps in surprise when Maggie picks up.

_“You checking up on me, Danvers?”_ Her voice is soft, playful, all traces of earlier emotion completely wiped away.

“Whatever my sister said to you - ”

_“Hey, don’t worry about it.”_ Maggie pauses, and for a moment, as she walks down the street in the dark, the streetlamps lighting her way and obscuring the glow of the stars in the night sky above, Alex just listens to her breathing. _“She didn’t say anything out of line.”_

“She didn’t?” Alex asks, surprised. “I thought… you looked pretty upset.”

_“I…”_ For a moment Alex thinks that Maggie might deny it, but then she sighs. _“I was.”_ Alex waits for Maggie to elaborate, but when a few moments of silence pass she knows that that’s all she’s going to get, and she decides not to push, changes the subject, instead.

“Bet you’re not gonna agree to come back to games night anytime soon, huh?” Maggie laughs, quiet and lovely, into her ear.

_“Nah, it wasn’t that bad. Your friends are pretty cool. And Kara… she’s cool, too. Surprisingly terrifying_ ,” Maggie says, and Alex grins. _“But cool. I’d be happy to come again – if your sister lets me, that is.”_

“I’ll talk her around,” Alex replies, and she swears she can _feel_ Maggie’s smile down the phone. “I’ll, uh, I’ll let you get going. I just wanted to check you were okay.”

_“I’m fine, Danvers.”_ Alex doesn’t say anything else other than goodbye, hangs up the phone and heads back home.

She still hears Maggie’s voice in her head, over and over again like a record stuck on repeat, and she isn’t proud of the fact that she fishes out a bottle of scotch from the cupboard and takes it into her room with her.

It’s the first drink she’s had in a while, but she doesn’t stop at one, doesn’t stop until a third of the bottle is gone and she passes out with it beside her, mind finally going blissfully, beautifully blank.

x-x-x

There’s no residual weirdness the next time they see one another.

Maggie acts like she always does, smiling and friendly and not at all like she thinks she isn’t worthy of Alex, like Alex could ever be too good for her.

Alex tries not to think about what she overheard, tries to erase it from her memory, and it works, for the most part.

They’re still friends, and it still aches, but it means that they’re still in each other’s lives and that’s enough for the both of them.

At least, that’s what Alex keeps telling herself whenever she finds her gaze lingering on Maggie whenever she’s nearby. Or whenever she catches herself getting lost in those dark, dark eyes. Or whenever her own eyes dip to Maggie’s lips when she talks, and she remembers the feeling of them against her own.

She has it bad, and it’s not going away, and she’s really, really fucking screwed.

x-x-x

Alex forgives Kara for her ill-advised kitchen conversation with Maggie soon enough – Kara never stays in her bad books for long, not when she has that damn pout and when she keeps flying to Alex’s place with her favourite donuts and takeout food from whole states over.

Kara drags her to the alien bar one night (by using another one of those pouts when Alex protests and says she’s too tired).

It’s the first time she’s been in there with someone who isn’t Maggie.

Kara practically drags her towards one of the booths at the back and settles down with a happy sigh, and Alex eyes her across the table with amusement.

“Don’t drink so much this time, yeah?” She asks, with a rueful grin – while drunken Kara might be _hilarious_ , she doesn’t want Supergirl passed out on a table somewhere if anything were to happen on the streets of National City tonight.

That would be irresponsible of her. That’s the DEO agent side of her talking – the side that is Kara’s sister kinda wants to ply her with alcohol and see how many terrible decisions she’ll make, because god knows she’s seen Alex make enough over the years.

“I only had _one_ drink last time,” Kara tells her with a huff, and Alex’s eyes widen.

“Seriously? You passed out after _one_? Lightweight.” Kara kicks her shin under the table, but Alex just grins wider.

“It’s not like I’ve had the chance to build up tolerance!” She protests. “I’ll sip it.”

“Yeah, you’d better, cause there’s no way I’m dragging your heavy ass back to your apartment if you fall asleep in here, and J’onn’s not around to help you, this time.” Kara rolls her eyes, and Alex feels more relaxed than she has done for weeks as she leans against the back of her seat.

Alex gets them drinks and it’s _nice_ , to be with Kara but not feel like she’s drinking alone, like she’s dragged Kara out somewhere where she’s not having fun, like it’s always felt whenever Alex has taken her to bars before.

But Kara has that glass of… whatever it is that had knocked her out cold last time, but this time she doesn’t down it all in one go, sips and becomes more and more giggly as the contents of her glass goes down, and once it’s finished Alex heads towards the bar to get her a water to wash it down with, and another beer for herself.

She leans her arms against the top of the bar and smiles at a girl she keeps seeing in here – she’s pretty, and she always checks Alex out, but they’ve never spoken. But tonight she seems to feel brave, is nudged by her friend until she’s out of her chair and wandering over to where Alex stands.

“Hey,” she says, voice bright and her smile blinding, and Alex can tell from her eyes that she’s not quite human but it doesn’t set her on edge like it probably would have done before she’d discovered this place, too used to anyone otherworldly being a threat considering her day job. “No girlfriend tonight?”

“Girlfriend?” Alex asks, frowning in confusion, and the woman’s eyes flicker over to the pool tables and Alex understands. “Oh, you mean Maggie?” She laughs, but it comes out as a little nervous. “Uh, she’s not my girlfriend. She’s just a friend.”

“Really?” The woman looks hopeful as Alex nods, and when she offers to buy Alex a drink she glances towards her sister, who gives her a thumbs up, making roll her eyes, and she doesn’t say no.

The woman – Jaime – is nice, chatters to Alex for a while at the bar about anything and everything, and Alex finds that she likes the attention, even if it’s not from who she really wants.

It’s _nice_ , to talk to someone without having to worry about what she’s saying, about whether or not it’ll come off the wrong way – nice to _flirt_ , without it really having to mean anything, and time flies without Alex even realising.

Kara is crushing some poor guy at pool (Alex had taught her well), and Alex finds herself enjoying this more than she thought she would – or could – and begins to think for the first time that maybe she really will be okay, maybe she _can_ get over Maggie with a little more time.

When Jaime’s friends call her away, Alex almost feels a flicker of disappointment, and as Jaime hands over her number, Alex wonders whether or not she’ll call her. And then Jaime is shifting slightly, a look of uncertainty in her eyes, and Alex realises what she’s about to do a second before it happens.

It’s not even a kiss, not really – just the tease of lips pressing against the corner of her mouth before they’re gone, but Alex smiles all the same.

And then she hears something shatter from behind her following by a ‘shit, _sorry_ ’ in a voice that she recognises all too well, and her smile fades as she whirls around, poor Jaime already forgotten.

Maggie is crouching to retrieve the shards of broken glass from the bottle she’s just smashed, her hands trembling as she scoops them into a pile, and she hisses as she manages to cut herself, blood welling up across her palm as M’gann bats her hands away.

Maggie’s lips are downturned into a half-grimace, and her eyes are dark and stormy when Alex catches a glimpse of them as Maggie glances up. Their gazes meet, and for a moment Alex is frozen, because she doesn’t know what to do when she realises that it’s pain, hot and visceral, that’s splashed across Maggie’s face.

Pain that’s coincidentally timed with another woman kissing Alex in-front of her, and Alex would have pulled away if she’d known that Maggie was even close to being in the same room.

(Maybe she’s not as over her as she’d thought, after all).

Maggie blinks and the spell is broken, and then she turns and flees, and Alex really wishes she wasn’t so accustomed to the sight of Maggie Sawyer’s back.

This time, Alex chases after her, catches up to her in the alleyway outside of the bar before Maggie can quite reach her bike, fingers wrapping around her wrist and pulling her to a halt.

She can feel the frantic beat of Maggie’s pulse beneath her fingertips, and she doesn’t draw breath until Maggie shifts to face her, doesn’t let go of her arm, doesn’t know how to, not when this is the first time they’ve touched since that kiss, since everything had changed.

“Way to go, Danvers,” Maggie says, and she’s forcing a smile but it doesn’t even come close to reaching her eyes. “She was hot.”

“Stop it,” Alex says, her voice quiet, fierce, and she watches Maggie’s throat work as she swallows.

“Why?” Maggie asks, and she’s trying to keep her voice light but it wavers and Alex wishes she knew for sure what any of this _means_. “It’s true.”

“ _Stop_ it,” Alex repeats, forcefully enough to make Maggie flinch. “What the hell was that?”

“What was what?” But Maggie shifts uneasily, eyes darting over Alex’s shoulder like she’s looking for a way to escape, but Alex just curls her fingers further into Maggie’s skin, trying to ignore the way it makes her feel like she’s on fire.

“You!” Alex can’t keep the note of accusation out of her voice. “You’re… you’re upset that she kissed me. And don’t deny it,” Alex warns, when she watches Maggie’s eyes flash with indignation as her mouth snaps open, “don’t you dare lie to me. I saw your face. You looked like you’d just been punched.”

“Because that’s what it felt like,” Maggie murmurs, and it’s so soft, so quiet, that Alex nearly misses it entirely.

But oh, she hears it, she hears the words, feels them wrap around her, sink into her, and her heart races in response.

“You weren’t supposed to see me,” Maggie continues, as Alex only stares at her dumbly. “I was _supposed_ to get the hell out of there before you saw me, because I knew you’d take one look at my face and you’d _know_ but that’s… that’s not fair to you.”

“But you… you told me - ”

“I know what I told you,” Maggie breathes, and it’s filled with an echo of the pain Alex can still feel in her chest whenever she thinks about that day. There’s regret in Maggie’s eyes, and Alex wonders if she’s thought of it as often as she has. “But I… everything I said? It still stands. You shouldn’t… you shouldn’t settle for me just because I’m the first girl you’ve ever had feelings for.”

Alex _gapes_ at her.

That’s all she can do for several long moments because that’s just… _settling_? That’s the most ridiculous thing she’s ever heard.

And she’d once had her parents explain to her that she had a sister now, an alien sister who had just crash landed on Earth after her planet had been destroyed.

“Settling?” Alex repeats, and the word sounds hollow. “That’s… you think that’s what I’m doing? Settling for you?” There’s an undercurrent of anger to her words, because how can Maggie not _see_? How can she not see how wonderful she is, how beautiful, how perfect?

There are tears in Maggie’s eyes and Alex knows that she really believes that this is true, and she wonders how many times this has happened to her before, how many times she’s had her heart broken by girls who had just come out of the closet only to decide that maybe this wasn’t right for them, after all.

She wonders how badly Maggie has been hurt in the past – she remembers, again, Maggie’s desolate tone as she’d listed the reasons why her ex had broken up with her, and wonders if she’s been burned so many times that now she’s terrified of getting too close to the flame in-case this time it reduces her to ashes.

“You’re not the type of girl someone _settles_ for, Maggie.” She knows that Maggie doesn’t believe her, wonders what she can do to make her see it, to make her see what Alex sees whenever she looks at her.

“You deserve so much better than me.” If Alex had thought it had hurt to overhear Maggie saying those words to Kara, it’s nothing compared to how it feels now, said with such conviction whilst Maggie is looking up at her with sad, sad eyes.

“And what if I don’t want anyone other than you?” Alex asks, because she _doesn’t_. She doesn’t know how, not when she looks at Maggie and she forgets every thought in her head, even how to breathe, sometimes, when a day where she doesn’t get to see her smile feels like a waste.

“Alex…”

“No.” She shakes her head, grips Maggie’s wrist a little tighter, never wants to let her go. “I don’t… I don’t _understand_ , Maggie. I _like_ you, a lot, and it sounds like you’re saying that you like me, too, so why can’t… why can’t that be enough?”

“Because I’ll break your heart, or you’ll break mine, and it’s… I don’t know how to _survive_ that, Alex.” The look in her eyes is haunted, and Alex thinks that this feels so much worse than the first time. “Maybe… maybe I was wrong when I said I could be there for you as a friend. Maybe… maybe a little space will do us both some good.”

“You say you don’t wanna break my heart?” Alex asks, a tremble in her voice that makes Maggie’s jaw clench as she struggles not to let a single tear fall, jerking her head in a nod. “Then don’t do this, because you walking away? That’ll break it clean in two.” Maggie shakes her head, and Alex clutches at her even harder, and she never begs for anything, not ever, but she says “please” and the desperation in it surprises even her.

“In the long run this will hurt so much less,” Maggie tells her, and then she’s gently extricating herself from Alex’s grip, and her eyes are soft as she adds, “trust me,” but Alex doesn’t, _can’t_ , because she can’t believe that this is happening to her.

She’s gone all this time thinking that nothing could ever happen because Maggie just didn’t feel the same, and then she tries and she takes baby steps towards moving on and finding someone else only to find out that Maggie _does_ feel the same but nothing can happen between them anyway?

Alex thinks that her life is just one big cosmic _joke_ , and she wishes for the first time that she’d never had this revelation, that she was still blissfully unware of what it felt like to fall in love, because this pain is unbearable, makes her want to sink to her knees.

“Please don’t walk away from me,” she tries, one last time, but Maggie just smiles at her softly and she’s blinking away tears as she turns towards her bike, towards her escape.

Alex watches her go and when she’s gone she whirls around, throws her fist at the brick wall of the alley and feels the skin split across her knuckles but it doesn’t make her feel any better, doesn’t alleviate the ache that radiates throughout her entire body from her chest.

Kara finds her on the floor, back against the alley wall and her legs drawn up to her chest, face pressed against her knees and tears streaming down her cheeks, scoops Alex up into her arms and flies them, unsteadily, back to her place, and doesn’t Alex go until she’s cried herself to sleep.

x-x-x

She spends two days holed up in her apartment, gives herself forty-eight hours to feel sorry for herself, to drown in maybes and could-have-beens and think about nothing else but Maggie Sawyer every time she closes her eyes.

She calls in sick to work and she snaps at Kara because she’s still there, doesn’t want to leave her alone and Alex gets _why_ but she doesn’t need a babysitter.

Kara has to leave when there’s a fire downtown, though, and she hovers by Alex’s open window with a worried look in her eyes, and Alex just rolls her eyes and practically shoves her outside, because she’ll be fine for an _hour_.

And she is, she’s okay.

She deletes Maggie’s number from her phone because she itches to call her, to text her, to tell her that she’s a _fool_ and that they could have something wonderful together, but she isn’t willing to humiliate herself any more than she already has.

No, Maggie has made things perfectly clear, and Alex knows that she needs to move on.

So she gives herself two days to mourn the loss of Maggie Sawyer in her life, and she tells herself that after that, she will pick up the pieces of her shattered soul and pull herself together, carry on with her life like nothing is different, like nothing had changed.

Like her world is still firmly on its axis, even though it has been spinning out of control since the moment she and Maggie met.

Kara comes back with so much takeout that it makes even Alex’s eyes bulge, and she’s lived with her alien metabolism for thirteen years.

Kara just shrugs and stuffs a potsticker into her mouth as she collapses onto Alex’s couch.

She smells of smoke, ash on her cheeks and her suit a little singed in places, but she’s none the worse for wear, and Alex wonders if she’ll ever stop fretting about her sister’s safety when she’s out there, risking her life for this city.

“What do you wanna watch tonight?” Kara asks as she reaches for Alex’s remote, pulling up Netflix and Alex shrugs, because she doesn’t really care so long as it’s a distraction. “ _Stranger Things_? _Buffy_? Or, oh, oh, what about _the L word_? We can give you a gay education. An edugaytion!” Kara looks mightily pleased with herself, and Alex snorts around a mouthful of her favourite noodles.

“Dork,” she says, knocking into Kara with her shoulder. “I think I’d rather watch something less… romance-y.”

“ _Stranger Things_ it is then,” Kara decides, pressing play and reaching for her own box of noodles. “Did I tell you - ” Kara pauses, abruptly, turns her head towards Alex’s door and tilts her head to one side like she’s listening for something.

Alex opens her mouth, ready to ask her what’s wrong, because her sister’s eyebrows are drawn into a frown and her lips are twisted into a scowl, and she looks angrier than Alex can remember her being in a long, long time.

And then she hears a knock, the wrap of knuckle against the wood of her front door, and Alex knows, she _knows_ who’s going to be on the other side even before Kara, using a burst of superspeed to cross the room, yanks it open.

Her voice, when she speaks, is low, _furious_ , and Alex can scarcely imagine the look that will be in her eyes.

It isn’t often that Kara’s protectiveness comes out for her – it’s usually the other way around – but when it does, it is fierce.

“What the _hell_ are you – oh.” Kara stops short, and Alex frowns. “You look like crap.” She hears a huffed laugh, unmistakably belonging to Maggie, and feels something twist inside her chest.

“Thanks, Little Danvers,” Maggie replies dryly, and Kara bristles at the name. “Can I, um… can I come in?” Maggie’s voice wavers, coloured with uncertainty, and Alex wishes that she could see the look on her face.

“That’s not really up to me,” Kara says, folding her arms across her chest and jutting out her chin. “But why don’t we start with you giving me one good reason why I should let you within five foot of my sister ever again after everything you’ve put her through.”

There’s a pause, the sound of weight shifting from foot to foot from Maggie still standing out in the hall.

“I… you shouldn’t, honestly,” comes the eventual answer, every word carefully chosen, heavy with truth. “I… I don’t deserve it.” Alex can tell, from the way Kara reacts, that Maggie has managed to surprise her yet again. “But I can’t… god, I can’t stop thinking about her.”

It’s shaky, raw in a way that Maggie hasn’t allowed herself to be around Alex before, and it makes her heart rate treble, her hands trembling as she curls them into fists in her lap, forces herself to stay on her couch, to not run to Maggie like she desperately craves.

“I’ve been an idiot, and it’s only now that I’m realising how much, and if you tell me to fuck off – either of you – I’ll go. I deserve that. But I… I’d like a chance to explain myself. To apologise. To… god, I don’t even know. I just know that I’ve spent the last two days replaying the other night over and over in my mind and wishing that I’d done everything differently.”

Alex sucks in a sharp, pained breath, because that’s all she’s been wishing for all of this time, too.

Kara bites down on her bottom lip, leans back a little, turns to glance at Alex over her shoulder, a question in her eyes.

Alex’s decision has been made ever since she’d heard Maggie’s voice, and she nods, though she doesn’t move from the couch – she gathers a cushion into her lap and hugs it to her chest like it’s a shield, plays with the frayed edges in an effort to keep her hands busy, to keep them from shaking, as Kara steps aside to let Maggie into her place.

“Do you want me to stay?” Kara asks, her voice soft, concern in her eyes as they meet Alex’s, but she shakes her head – she doesn’t want Kara around to overhear whatever happens next. “Alright.” Kara doesn’t look happy about leaving, but Alex knows she’ll do what she wants, won’t be far away, just in-case she needs her. “Call me if you need me.”

“I will.”

“And you,” Kara rounds on Maggie, that fire back in her eyes – it’s enough for Maggie to take a step back, swallowing hard, her eyes wide. “Be careful with her,” she warns, and her sister, her sweet and innocent sister who had cried the first time she’d accidentally killed a fly, looks in that moment like she wants to murder Maggie if she dares hurt her again. “Or else.”

“Uh…”

“Bye!” Kara calls out then, back to her bright and sunny self, and Maggie blinks after her as Kara closes the door.

“Your sister is fucking terrifying,” Maggie says, her eyes still wide as she turns back to Alex. She’s got her hands buried in her pockets and Alex draws in a quiet breath when she gets her first proper look at the other woman – there are bags under her eyes like she’s barely slept, and they’re rimmed in red like she’s been recently crying, and Alex sees why Kara had drawn up short.

“She can be,” Alex agrees, with a rueful smile, because Maggie has no _idea_ what Kara is really capable of. “But I don’t think you’re here to talk about my sister.”

“I… no, I’m not.” Maggie wavers, looks _nervous_ for the first time in as long as Alex has known her – it looks _strange_ on Maggie’s features, her teeth worrying at her bottom lip and her eyes darting around Alex’s apartment.

She realises then that it’s the first time that the other woman has ever set foot in here – she’s been to the door, but never inside, and Alex is suddenly glad that Kara’s been around the past few days, because the place would be a mess if she wasn’t there to keep it tidy whilst Alex has barely even able to drag herself out of bed.

“Can I… can I sit?” Maggie asks, glancing towards the couch, and Alex nods, reminds herself to breathe as Maggie settles down beside her.

She sits with her thigh pressed against the arm, far away enough that there’s no chance of them accidentally touching as she angles her body towards Alex. Alex waits for her to speak, because she doesn’t think she has anything left to say to Maggie that she hasn’t already.

She had come here, she had sought Alex out, and Alex forces herself to squash the hope that sparks to life in her chest as she wonders at the reasons why.

“I want to apologise, Alex,” Maggie says after she takes a breath so deep that it makes her shoulders shake. “I… what happened the other night… I’m sorry.” Alex shrinks against the back of the couch as the memories wash over her, as she remembers how it had felt to watch Maggie walk away. “I shouldn’t have – what happened to your hand?” Maggie frowns as she catches sight of the bandage wrapped around Alex’s knuckles, hiding the damage she’d done to herself.

“Nothing,” Alex brushes her off, hides her hand beneath the cushion. “It’s fine.” Maggie looks like she wants to push, but Alex doesn’t let her. “Hurts less than my heart.” It’s a low blow, and she knows it, regrets it as she sees Maggie flinch.

“I’m _sorry_ ,” Maggie repeats, and her eyes are bright with unshed tears and Alex wants to reach out, draw her into a hug and never let her go. “I’ve been such a… such a fucking _idiot_. I never wanted to hurt you.” Alex doesn’t doubt the sincerity that she can see written across Maggie’s face. “I thought it would be better for you to… I don’t know, for you to spread your wings, find yourself without jumping into a relationship with me the first chance you get. But I wanted that, Alex. I… the first time I saw you, I knew you were something special.”

Maggie’s eyes are soft, and Alex tilts her head, meets Maggie’s gaze and knows, she _knows_ that this is what it feels like to fall in love.

It’s terrifying and it’s dizzying and it’s _painful_ but it’s exhilarating, too, and when Maggie reaches out with shaking fingers to take Alex’s hand, she doesn’t move away.

Instead, she threads their fingers together and squeezes.

“You terrified me,” Maggie tells her with a small shake of her head. “You were… magnificent and I had a girlfriend but you… I couldn’t stop thinking about you, but I knew nothing would ever happen because you were straight. And then you weren’t and I was single and… you kissed me.” Alex moves to pull her hand away, the memory still stinging, but Maggie just grips her tighter, doesn’t let her retreat. “You kissed me and I knew then that it would be so, so easy to fall in love with you.”

The breath stutters from Alex’s lungs at the admission, and she clutches at Maggie’s hand like it’s her last lifeline.

“But you… you pushed me away.”

“Because I was scared.” Maggie’s thumb brushes against the back of her hand, and Alex’s skin tingles wherever she touches. “I… I’ve had my heart broken. A lot.” Her smile is wry but pained. “And you… I’m pretty sure you could shatter it beyond repair. You’re so new at this, and I didn’t… I didn’t want you to start to wonder, a few months down the line, what else might be out there. I thought this way would be better for the both of us.” Alex shakes her head, tears blurring her vision. “But I was wrong. God, I was so, so wrong, I can see that now. And I get it, if you can’t trust me, after everything. I get it if things have changed for you. I’d understand if - ”

Alex cuts her off with a kiss.

It’s nothing at all like their first.

It’s desperate and messy and clumsy and lacks any and all finesse – their teeth clack together and Alex must have started crying at some point because she can taste the salt of tears on her tongue – but somehow it’s still perfect, still sets her aflame and makes her heart race.  

Maggie still holds her hand with one of her own, but her other reaches up to curl around Alex’s cheek, brushes gentle fingers across her cheek as they slide into Alex’s hair.

Alex’s free hand lands on Maggie’s thigh as she leans forward, leans into the kiss and groans softly when Maggie’s tongue teases against her lips, dips into her mouth and strokes against her own. She can feel the heat of Maggie’s skin beneath her palm, ignores the sting of her bruised knuckles and sighs when Maggie leans away.

She doesn’t go far, though – she rests her forehead against Alex’s, her eyes still closed and her breathing ragged. All Alex can hear is the beating of her heart, loud in her ears and reminding her that this is _real_ , that she hasn’t fallen asleep and this isn’t just another dream.

“I still want this,” Alex says when she feels like she can speak without her voice trembling. “I still want _you_.”

“Yeah?” Maggie asks, and her eyes are still closed but there’s a smile on her mouth, one that Alex can’t help but kiss, just to feel it against her lips.

“Yeah.” She breathes it against Maggie’s mouth with a smile of her own. It doesn’t erase the past few months – those are wounds that will take a long time to heal, and Alex knows the scar tissue will linger – but it eases the ache in her chest, makes it a little easier to breathe. “What… what happens now?”

“Now I take you on a date,” Maggie tells her, and Alex’s stomach flips pleasantly at the thought. Maggie leans back, leans away, her eyes bright and her smile radiant, dimples on full display. “And I try to make the past few weeks up to you.”


End file.
